Here Today - Gone Tomorrow

A jolly good time was had by all. 

The elderly man eased his weary body into his old, worn-out chair, as he had done many times over the years after a long day. 

His tired eyes glanced left and right through the room that a few days ago was filled with laughter and joy. 

The memories of his six grandchildren on Christmas morning were fresh, and how they hurried around the tree, eager for their name to be called and handed the present they hoped was the one they wished for the night before Christmas  

The old man thought back to the days of his youth and Christmas morning, and how quickly the years had passed. 

But now, the room was empty of sound and outside flurries of snow filled the air. Here today, gone tomorrow, the passing of time never sleeps nor pauses. 

He closed his eyes and prayed for all to have a safe return - then a smile appeared upon his face; the reason, . . .

he saw there was one Christmas cookie on a plate on the lamp table next to his chair with a note written by his granddaughter - Merry Christmas Grand Pa.

And May God Bless All

j/k

High School Dog Years - 1971

If there’s a will, there’s a way, or away.

 

Before the phrase, ‘Thinking Outside the Box,’ was uttered or became popular, I was in the box, and was thinking way, way outside the box. 

 

Back in 1971, I was a freshman in high school. On my first day, while sitting in 4^th period study hall, I devised a plan on how to survive the next 4 years.

DOG YEARS!

I invented the dog year’s plan; a mathematical formula I incorporated for my high school years. It was an amazing feat, considering how horrible I was at math. I called it Dog Years for High School.

High School is 4 years, or 48 months, or approximately 365 days x 4; an eternity for a teenager. I came up with 1 month in high school to be equivalent to 1.5 years or 547.5 days. Therefore, using this formula for people years and equating it with High School time: a freshman would be a young and hopeful 18-year-old; a sophomore would be a middle aged 36-year-old; a junior would be, ‘where did the time go’, 54-year-old, and a graduating senior would be a venerable 72 years young; the approximate age the average person would live, according to what one of my teachers said.

Ingenious eh?

I was mischievous, scheming, devious, and inventive when I was in high school, because I had to be. The 144 years, K-8, I did at a catholic school made me realize that begging is for amateurs. If I wanted to get beyond 1st base, sexually, mathematical manipulation was the only way that was going to happen.

 

Future Genius 

At the time, my constantly-thinking, juvenile mind worked out a strategic and tactical purpose for the mathematical formula – a defensive and offensive advantage with girls!!! 

How you ask?

Well, I’ll tell you how.

If I could convince a girl, who I was dating for 4 months, that in fact we were actually dating for 6 years in high school dog years, I might just be able to lessen her reluctance to go beyond just kissing.

“We haven’t been dating long enough,” is a phrase every young boy has heard plenty of times when trying to go beyond kissing. I felt 'Dog Years' could help refute that preposterous statement. Time is of the essence in high school and any time wasted will certainly become a life time of regret.

Unfortunately, despite how clever my plan appeared on paper, it never really worked out as well as I had hoped. The equation did not take into consideration how smart girls are or how determined they are to keep their pants on until they decide the time is right.

My freshmen and sophomore girlfriends certainly didn’t fall for it, nor did the 4 girls I dated my junior year. But, early on in my senior year, at the ripe old age of 67 high school Dog Years, the sexy girl from our cross-town rival school, thought my mathematical formula was cute. I called her my Ferrari. Every old guy needs a sports car, right? Sadly, my Ferrari was way more than I could handle at my advanced age. We broke up and I moved on. Next stop. the real world. 

 

 

Regret is for those who never dared to take a chance. 

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

j/k   

 

    

Plagiarism vs. Parallel Thinking

 

I wrote this little tidbit back on May, 16th 2016. 

On this matter, history will repeat, because there will always be lazy writers who look for a shortcut to success.

Plagiarism vs. Parallel Thinking

Integrity --- A firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values.

As a writer, I strive to be creative and strangely unique, although I understand that my uniqueness is probably not entirely singular. When I write a sentence, I know the possibility exist that someone else might have already scribbled down the exact same thing. Is there a way to check? I suppose there might be. I could scan every book that has ever been written to try and find out, but that’s absurd and extremely time consuming.

So, what other option is left for a writer to find out if what they wrote is similar to what someone else has already written? There is a way, without even researching, 

It’s called, Parallel Thinking. 

Parallel Thinking is a camouflage excuse. If you ain’t got a good enough lie to hide behind your plagiarizing, just say Parallel Thinking. Evidently, that fixes everything. 

There are some writers who steal from indie writers, because they think no one will ever notice and if an indie writer does notice, it would be hard to prove.

 Yeah, I’m going all Papal Decree on this one.

Nope, we ain't buying any Parallel Thinking cookies. If you gotta steal to deal, I suggest you find a new line of work. Stealing is lazy and cowardly.

The Originals! 

Being cheesy is easy and there are thieves everywhere.  

Originality is a challenge for every writer.

j/k

Sunday Night Story Time

 

Nickel Novel

Title: The Legendary Book War

 

By: Tammy Mae Suitable

 

Letters are the nuts and bolts, words are the tools, sentences are the materials, and paragraphs are the plans to create chapters, and several chapters produce a book.

Once upon a time, Ted decided he wanted to construct an amazing story. He purchased all the necessary materials and boldly began working on his story. Unbeknownst to Ted, evil was lurking in shadows. It was the dreaded Punctuation Army! They wanted to thwart Ted from building his story.

Suddenly, and without any warning, the vile Punctuation Army launched a surprise attack. They used underline marks to out flank Ted's story and fired short ranged rocket dashes ----- the defenseless words were massacred. The Punctuation Army’s sneak attack had worked perfectly.

Despite the setback, Ted was determined to write his story, but this time, he would shield the words with parenthesis armor)))))).

ALL WE ARE SAYING IS GIVE BOOKS A CHANCE!

Late one night, the Punctuation Army attacked again. They launched a multitude of exclamation marks!!!!!! to break down the))))))). When the)))))) were destroyed, a wave of commas,,,,,,,, Colons::: and semi-colons ;;;;;; came storming in.

Ted attempted to save his words with a burst of *******, but it wasn’t enough to stop them. He then deployed his elite squadron of ####### but The Punctuation Army countered with CAPITALIZATION TITANS and the mutant horde of misellpeled wodsr walloping scores of Ted's chapters.

His letters and finely crafted words littered the battle field. Senetances were maimed, and cahpters were cpompltyly annihilated. Ted however had a secret weapon The Punctuation Army was not aware of $$ Spell Check.

Words Sentences and Chapters were miraculously restored. The Punctuation Army was forced to retreat, but not before retaliating with a regiment of ???????? and ///////

After four lOnG YeaRs of fIghTiNg, tHe lines of waR hAd Been drawn!!!?>, bOtH…,,,)) Sides”””” attacked? and counter-attacccked the other, with know end in site— Ted's only ally was the Terrific Thesaurus that had missiles, artilleries, armaments and weaponries that kept the Punctuation Army,,,, from )(completely ruiniong his story$,*!

Ultimately, The League of Once Upon a Time and Happily Ever After Writers had to be called in to arbitrate a peaceful settlement.

Negotiations went on for months, until both sides finally agreed to end all hostilities. Unfortunately, Ted didn’t know The Punctuation Army had developed a secret weapon during the negotiations. It was called the run-on sentence that would go on and on and on and on forever,,,,, ---- guaranteeing the war would never ever ever eerrrree ever ever never ever end!!!!

Ted had also developed a new weapon; a Wise weapon of enormous power to neutralize the Punctuation Army’s secret weapon and all future attacks. He suitably named it, The Editor.

 

The powerful Editor ensured Ted would finally be able to finish his amazing story.

 

The end!

Have a Great Week of Fun!!

j/k

A Humbling Book Review

Touching one reader makes the effort worth while.

 

Book review - September 14, 2023

I didn't want it to end

I'm so glad that I discovered this series. I plan to read all the others.

As an adult reader, I could feel the excitement of endless possibility in the coming-of-age adventure. As a woman, I could not personally identify with the very horny female elves, but I enjoyed seeing them through Wajue, the main characters' eyes, who was a very typical teenage boy. The immersive world felt so developed that I recall the mechanics of the world as much as the characters.

 

 

The Beginning of an amazing adventure

The world building might slow the first few chapters for some, but it was absolutely worth letting it unfold at a more traditional pace. World building is where this story shines. Each culture, creature, and curse has been expertly crafted and delivered with expert storytelling skills.

I read one chapter every day and I felt as enthralled with Vanguard as I was back in the 1990s when someone first handed me a David Eddiings book when I couldn't find another from the Xanth series. If you want to feel like you did somewhere between picking up Tolkien, but before George RR Martin, this is that fantasy. It feels deeply rooted in an era sorely missed by many genre fiction readers.

Although some parts might offend sensitive readers, everything that initially bothered me was later revealed to be the consequences of the cruelty and curses of an evil source.

The author obviously loved crafting this story and I'm certain if you get past the cover art and some crafty misdirection, you'll have a memorable experience with this delightful approach to fantasy.

I am truly humbled.

j/k

Librarians Know Best

 

Reading is Librarian approved medicine to treat children and adults who suffer from - Bibliophobia, an intense fear of books or reading. 

Reading is also a remedy for people with moderate to severe vacuity or have a significant TV watching problem. If you struggle with truncated mental absorption or have no clue what truncated mental absorption means or had to look up the word, vacuity, or just dislike reading, or experience an acute allergic reaction when reading, you definitely have Bibliophobia.

Reading is exercise for your brain and strengthens your vocabulary. Reading may also increase your chance of meeting that special someone which could develop into a serious relationship.

Owl Wisdom is Wise

If you have a history of saying, “I don’t like to read,” or “Reading is boring,” You should make an appointment to see your librarian as soon as possible. Librarians are trained professionals and can easily cure Bibliophobia. If you have a child who has Bibliophobia, check the age-appropriate recommendations set forth in the Ancient Librarian Laws of Reading, Article 3, Section A, 1-12, before allowing them to read anything.

Start them youngsters early

Inform your librarian if you: dislike reading, have a fear of libraries or books, currently have or have had Bibliophobia, have been in close contact with someone with Bibliophobia, or think you have Bibliophobia type symptoms such as; looking at clouds and seeing just clouds, never wondering what’s at the end of a rainbow, sleeping soundly without worrying about the monsters in the closet, or saying something absolutely ridiculous like, “The movie is probably way better than the book.”

Call or visit a librarian right away if you have any of the symptoms listed above, and as soon as possible, begin reading magazines, newspapers, cereal boxes, a dictionary, or The Little Engine That Could. If you do not have a copy of – The Little Engine That Could, well, you almost certainly need more than a librarian to cure you.

If you are pregnant or plan to become pregnant, reading will not harm your unborn baby and any increased intelligence you acquire from reading will be distributed to your child, and it won’t curdle your breast milk.

Reading does have severe side-effects, such as: creative ideas, desire to read more, a restful night of sleep, better eating habits, stimulated brain activity, acting considerably smarter, and increased conversational skills.

The most common side effects are: peace of mind, clarity, calmness, contentment, and enhanced wisdom. Reading is a good start towards feeling better and a long and successful life. And if you are over the age of 50, reading will restore that youthful feeling in the lower section of your left leg.

Our Team of Experts are Ready to Assist You

Get started today before it’s too late – read a book, any book, or the fine print in your spouse’s life insurance policy.

Immediately or possibly soon thereafter, you will astonish friends and family with your boosted vocabulary and superior conversational skills.

Visit your local library today and check with a professional librarian for a complete list of books or reading material that is best suited for you.

 

Drinking alcohol, in large amounts, while reading at the library is forbidden.

 

Erudition is free inside every book.  

Erudition: extensive knowledge acquired chiefly from books.

 

-jk-

Old, Fun Words

I like big, old words and I can not lie

You other words can't deny

Churl: "trailer trash" calling someone a "churl" was a major insult. And given that it means peasant, we can see why.

Knave: a liar, cheat, or con artist, Originally the word would have been used to refer to a peasant or servant in medieval times.

Cozen: The verb "cozen" was reserved for only the sneakiest of scoundrels during the Renaissance. someone would claim to be a part of the family and then con the target out of their money.

Scumber: pure filth.

'Sblood: It's short for "God's blood," and it packs a powerful punch in the Bard's work.

Bloody Nora: "flaming horror" to show their complete and utter disbelief about something.

Bedlamite: meant you thought they were a total fruitloop.

Gadzooks: Feeling angry or surprised? "Gadzooks" is the exclamation you need. The expletive is a shortened version of "God's hooks," or the nails that were pounded into the cross.

Thunderation: irritation without taking the Lord's name in vain.

Cacafuego: A Spanish word that basically translates to "s**tfire," "cacafuego" was also the name of pirate Sir Francis Drake's ship. And despite the literal meaning of the term, it was originally used to refer to someone bragging too much about their accomplishments.

Smellfungus: If you've ever traveled with someone who wouldn't quit complaining, then you were probably in the company of a "smellfungus."

Whelp: This Renaissance-era term could be used for both naughty dogs and human children. How versatile! It's meant to insult the misbehavers by comparing them to fragile little puppies.

Consarn it: to show their displeasure about anything and everything.

Caterwauling: muddling, blundering

Pander/Bawd: Elizabethan pimps were called panders (if they were male) and bawds (if they were women). infamous pickpocket to boot. Moll Cutpurse

Sard: The holy book contains the phrase, "Don't sard another man's wife." Got it? That's right, "sard" is an old version of the f-word.

Jobbernowl: an insult that translates to “stupid head” or “numbskull.”

Rakefire: vent some frustration.

Wordsmith - Q T Daddles

Scald: Ever heard of scurvy? Well, "scald" is just another word for the disease that afflicted those who spent prolonged lengths on open water and didn't get enough Vitamin C. Victims of the scald would have loose teeth, terrible skin, and a whole host of other awful complications.

Arfarfan’arf: a drunk! tipples.

Morbs: some momentary melancholy.

Chuckaboo: closest friends, BFF's.

Butter upon bacon: luxuries

Whooperups: inferior, noisy singers.

Collie shangles: quarrel or fight with someone.

Daddles: nice hands

Blatherskite: blabs far too much and talk a lot of nonsense to boot.

Mouldy grub: traveling showmen, con artists and grifters

Highfalutin: someone who was just a bit too fancy for their own good.

Catawampus: particularly ornery mood or disordered.

Skedaddle: ran away with all speed.

Have a Happy Writing Weekend

-jk-

Truth about Awards?

My quest to understand ‘Awards.’

 

Awards are frequently given to people for just about anything and everything. I recommend investing in a trophy shop, because the award business, like a mortician, is guaranteed job security.

Let’s slow walk through the process and make sure we don’t miss a step.

Using my 1945 Encarta Dictionary, I began with the word award and then picked out a particular word within the definition and then checked that word’s definition. Sometimes this is necessary to reveal the true rationale of how something came into being

 

Recognition!

Award - something such as a prize that is given in recognition of somebody's merit or an achievement.

Achievement - something that somebody has succeeded in doing, usually with effort.

Effort - mental or physical energy that is exerted in order to achieve a purpose.

Purpose - the reason for which something exists or for which it has been done or made.

Reason - an explanation or justification for something.

Justification – a circumstance that justifies an action or attitude.

Attitude - an opinion or general feeling about something.

Opinion - a view regarding the worth of somebody or something.

 

EUREKA! I figured it out! Awards are opinions!

But if that’s the case, why are people so excited to get an award? And it’s common to hear people state how they don’t care about what other people think about them. But they accept the award, and tell the world how happy they are to receive the award, and post it all over social media sites.

The Truth

It's mostly about recognition. Some folks won’t readily admit it, but deep down inside, they feel good when someone, anyone, recognizes them for something they did that required a huge amount of effort.

A simple pat on the back can be just as important as any award, especially if it comes from a person with experience and who understands the journey.

 

“Mr. Kafka, have you ever won any awards?”

 “Yes, I have.”

 “For what?”

 “Stuff.”

 “Stuff? What does that even mean?”

 “jimmy, this conversation is making me uncomfortable.”

 “I’m certain it is.”

 “Can we go to lunch, now, please.”

 “Okay, Mr. Kafka, but afterwards, can I see the awards?”

 “No. I threw them all away.”

 “How convenient.”

 

-jk-

Getting to Know Us.

 

jimmy and Mr. Kafka

 

jimmy, (James Lee) was my father’s, sister’s child. jimmy was born, July 14, 1954. He died, July 22, 1954. When I was born 3 years later, my aunt gave her blessing to my parents to name me, James Lee.

                               jimmy rockin' & rollin' with Lynyrd Skynyrd

I became aware of my special name years later, when I was about 12 years old. I was with my parents when they went to the cemetery to look after their parents’ grave sites. I must say, it was odd, eerie, and peculiar experience to see my name, his name on a tombstone. It was then that they told me about him.

Fast Forward

I don’t recall the exact date/ time when I had the ‘what the heck am I doing with my life moment,’ but when I did, I decided I needed to live not only for myself, but also for jimmy. He deserved the experience of life. So, together always, he lives through me – jimmy's second chance.     

I use the name, jimmy, because I prefer to think of him as my whimsical and spirited cousin who looks after me, and my Guardian Angel. (Yes, I talk to him a lot. I am not crazy, I’m old and extremely strange.)

Fast Forward – again

Before I jumped into the deep end of writing a novel, I practiced writing dialogue – mostly how I perceived a conversation with jimmy would go if he was here. After hundreds of written out conversations, I finally felt comfortable with the personality I had manufactured for jimmy, which instilled my confidence to create a persona and individuality for characters in a novel.

Fast Forward – one more time

Here’s a typical conversation between jimmy and I.

“Whatcha doing, Mister Kafka?”

“Hey, jimmy. I just finished scribbling down some informative and provocative stuff about us.”

“Why? No one will read it.”

“They might.”

“No, no they won’t”

“Yes they . . .”

“Nope!”

“But . . .”

“Trust me, Mister Kafka. They’ll read the first sentence then move on to the silly, animal video that their friend posted or some family vacation pictures.”

“Whatever. Want to go to lunch, jimmy?”

“Sure. I’m in the mood for a double cheese burger and some fries.”

“jimmy, you do realize eating that stuff is not good for you.”

“I don’t think it matters, Mr. Kafka.”

“Good point. I’ll have my usual, coffee and a cigarette.”

“Mr. Kafka, you do realize . . .”

“I know, jimmy. I know.”

“Can I drive this time, Mr. Kafka.”

“Stop talking and just get in the car.”

 

 

For jimmy – my best friend. 

 

j/k

 

A Belly Laugh

Laughter is the best medicine.

 

 

I dress for success.

                              

“Hey, Mr. Kafka.”

“What’s up, jimmy?”

“I don’t think people are laughing as much as they used to.”

“Why do you say that, jimmy?”

“Yesterday, I told a very funny story about a cow, but only half of the people laughed. The other half thought the story was offensive to cows.”

“Ah, I see where you’re going with this. Take a seat. I have a story to tell you that might help you understand.”

“Mr. Kafka, I’ve heard plenty of your stories, and I’ve never understood any of them.”

“Trust me, this one you’ll understand.”

“That’s what you always say, Mr. Kafka.”

“Hush up. Okay. When I was in the fourth grade, there was a bully that regularly picked on me. Well, one day I had enough of his antics and decided to trick him. It happened on the playground, during recess. He approached me like he always did, laughing and calling me vile names.”

“What names, Mr. Kafka?”

“Not important. He was much bigger than me, and that day he punched me in the arm so hard, I fell to the ground. But I didn’t cry. I looked at my arm – the punch made a big, nasty-looking bruise. Then, I started to laugh.”

“Laugh? Why did you laugh, Mr. Kafka?”

“jimmy, Stop asking questions and let me finish. The bully was baffled by my laughter and asked why I was laughing. I told him I was laughing because he was going to go to jail for murder. With a confused look upon his faced, he asked why. I told him I had a rare blood disorder and the bruise on my arm would cause a blood-clot, and that I would probably die very soon.”

“Well played, Mr. Kafka.”

“Thanks. So, I started acting like I was fading from this world, dramatically of course.”

“Of course, you did.”

“It worked, too. He started to cry, and screaming that he didn’t want to go to jail. All the other children started laughing at him. He fell to his knee’s and begged me not to die. I quickly stood up and kicked him squarely in the jaw. Knocked him out, too. The End.”

“That’s it? End of the story? I don’t understand the point you were trying make, like always.”

“I told you, jimmy, laughter is the best medicine.”

“Huh?”

“The medicine finally kicked in. Pun intended.”

“Congratulations, Mr. Kafka, you got me again with one of your stupid stories.”

“It’s not stupid. The moral of the story is; if you chose not to laugh when something is obviously funny, expect to get kicked in the jaw.”

“Mr. Kafka, I don’t know why I hang out with you.”

“I think you have to.”

“Yeah, well, I reckon you’re right about that one.”

 

Enjoy each day with laughter and you’ll never have a bad day.

 

-jk-

 

 

 

Wild, Wild Spider Web of Books

“Hey you! Are you a writer?”

 

“Yes, yes I am.”

 

“What type of books do you write . . . Adult, Adventure, Alternate History, Chapter Books, Chick Lit, Children, Comedy, Contemporary, Cookbooks, Cozy mystery, Crime, Cyberpunk, Detective, Diverse, Dystopian, Erotic Romance, Erotica, Fairy Tale, Family, Fantasy, Food, Friendship, Geeky, Ghost, Gothic, Graphic Novels, Heist, High Concept, High Stakes, Historical, Horror, Illustrator, Inspirational, Legal, LGBT, Literary, Magic, Magical Realism, Memoir, Military, Mystery, Myth, Noir, Nonfiction, Paranormal, Picture books, Regency, Retelling, Revolution, Romance, Romantic Comedy, Romantic Suspense, Sci-fi, Southern, Space Opera, Speculative Fiction, Sport, Steampunk, STEM, Superhero, Survival, Suspense, Thriller, Time Travel, True Crime, Upmarket, Urban, Urban Fantasy, Vampire, War, Western, Witch, Women, Women's fiction, YA, or bat-shit crazy stuff?  

 

Intimidating and Frightening, eh?  And people critique writers 

who use to many adverbs and adjectives.

 

                                                   Albert, that's bat-shit crazy

Simply saying you write horror is not enough anymore. You must say your book is horror with strong female characters, some mystery, fantasy, magic, and friendship. Oh, and a lot of romance with vampires.

Those appendages, attachments, accessories, and extras have to be included, because agents ask for specifics. 

I am patiently waiting for an agent to ask for strong female characters/ action adventure/ coming of age/ magic/ diverse/ mystery/ fantastical and philosophical fiction set in a fantasy world. And when they do, I’ll be ready!

 

I applaud the librarians who can categorize books in today’s world of crazy compartmentalizing and any librarian who can find a Romance/ comedy/ diverse/ vampire/ time travel book when asked is amazing. You got to bring your ‘A’ game at all times as a librarian nowadays.

I blame fast food joints, because they started it by saying you can have a burger any way you want it. Pickles no onions. Tomatoes no lettuce. Tomatoes, pickles, no ketchup.  Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

 

The world is moving to fast for me. I am a dinosaur waiting for the asteroid.

 

“Burger, fries, and a medium coke, please.”

“How do you want your burger, sir?”

“Cooked.”    

 

Librarians are the gate keepers of knowledge, treat them with respect.

 

j/k

Obscurity to Distinction

 

Inspirational Perspective 

 

I am – a single grain of sand

I am – a star in the everlasting night sky

I am – a large rock on a mountain

I am – just one small seed among millions

I am – one heart inside one human

I am – the blank space on a huge wall

I am – one blank page

I am – one leaf on a tree

I am – a momentary emotion

 

Humble Solitude 

                               

I can be – a glass goblet for a king

I can be – the warmth for a planet

I can be – the corner stone of a marvelous palace

I can be – the tallest tree in the forest

I can be – filled with love and sorrow

I can be – the canvas for a grand painting

I can be – the beginning or the end of a great adventure

I can be – the vessel on which dreams travel upon

I can be – the spark that inspires greatness

 

I am an ordinary shadow by day, a banished soul by night

I am triviality, constantly searching for significance

I am the seeker of truth, eternally lost in a sea of lies

I am a servant of time, anticipating my inevitable judgement.

 

 

I am forever me, and I can only ever be myself

 

 

-JK-