Broke Punctuation

History of the Punctuation of English Writing

After reading a brief narrative about how punctuation evolved over the years, I noticed it had an eerie similarity to the seven Ecumenical Councils.

Wikipedia Note: The first seven Ecumenical Councils, recognized by both the eastern and western branches of Chalcedonian Christianity, were convoked by Christian Roman Emperors, who also enforced the decisions of those councils within the state church of the Roman Empire. Acceptance of councils as ecumenical and authoritative varies between different Christian denominations. Disputes over Christological and other questions have led certain branches to reject some of the councils that others accepted.

The key words in the above text are enforced, acceptance, disputes, and reject. Let’s translate that to today’s world, shall we?

The Enforcers are the Literary Police whose only purpose in life is to point out mistakes. The Acceptee’s are the Readers; they like a good story and don’t dwell on disputable punctuation. The Disputers are unimaginative 12th Grade English teachers and College Professors; they know everything, just ask them. And finally the Rejecters, they're people like me; we play with punctuation like a child plays with Legos.

Out of necessity, jimmy and I convened our own Literary Ecumenical Council to determine our preferred definitions of all punctuation.

A Period means stop, start a new sentence, go pee pee, get a drink, then continue reading.

A Comma means you need to take a short breath, or perhaps, you just want to be a drama queen, and, add, an excessive, amount of, pauses.

A Semicolon is for adding extra thoughts or for specific, important stuff; or to make a crazy long sentence that takes the readers breath away; hey, you gotta exercise a little bit while reading!

A Colon is for listing things like: rum, coke, ice, and lemon; a cool refreshing drink while reading is vital.

Quotation Marks are a writer’s paradise. Inside them you can say it and spell it however you want. Quotation Marks are like Las Vegas – What happens in the quotes, stays in the quotes. Party Time!

An Exclamation Mark means you're excited about what you just wrote! More than one is redundant!!! , but fun!!!!!!

A Question Mark denotes a question or confusion. What? HUH?

Parenthesis they are a writer's VIP room. You get a peek inside the writers head. Yikes! (See Quotation Marks.)   

Dashes and Ellipses – use them for extremely . . . exciting . . . dramatic pauses, or . . . you simply want the reader to take a . . . breath. Breathing is very important. Dashes are for additional information, instead of a new sentence, or a dramatic pause. 

There you have it! Dr. jimmy says that exploiting and manipulating punctuation is a great way to relieve stress.

Note: Italicizing and Underlining mean you probably should pay attention to those words or sentences; there might be a pop-quiz about them later.

Librarians are the gatekeepers, protecting written knowledge for future generations to study, explore, and repeat mistakes.

“Mr. Kafka; did you reread Homer's Iliad last night?”

“Yes . . . yes I did, jimmy.”

“That explains it.”

“Explains what?”

“Nothing. I’ll make you a grilled cheese sandwich, and then we’ll go take a nap under the willow tree.”

                                         

“Thanks jimmy. That’s a great idea!”

-jk- 

Sept. 15th 2015

Friday the 13th

 

Superstitions

 

Friday the 13th, a notoriously frightful day, teeming with cryptic, mysterious, and fantastical Superstitions and Adages.

 

For the record, I am not a superstitious person. (Liar) The over-analytical gene I was born with does not invite such hogwash and hooey to the party inside my head, but I do avoid black cats. 

 

Let us begin, . . . Red sky in the morning, sailors warning. Red sky at night, sailors delight.  I suppose it means smooth sailing weather is ahead. This meteorological prognostication is probably more reliable than a local weather prognosticator. However, I think it might mean, red eyes in the morning, sailors are hungover. Red eyes at night, sailors are drunk and happy!  

 

Being a casino addict, I hear this one a lot – Beginners Luck. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t begrudge anyone who is lucky enough to rake money from the casino, but if you’re a harden gambler like me, hearing someone say they won because of Beginners Luck - it's really annoying.

 

A humorous one – Rub a rabbit’s foot for good luck.  Human imagination never ceases to amaze me. So, the person who came up with this one was no doubt a very creative person. Rubbing a rabbit’s foot or even carrying one around with you, on purpose, is pure gold. I feel you; we all do what we must to get through the day!

 

Garlic keeps the Vampires at bay

Knock on wood is a classic. It is meant to preclude/circumvent/thwart something bad from happening, and if there is no wood available to knock on, a person will knock on their own head or on a friend’s head. (Humans are very silly.)

 

Opening an Umbrella Indoors is believed to be very bad, and it will bring bad luck to all those who do so. No doubt, eventually, there will be a lawsuit brought before the courts, because the umbrella manufacturers did not stamp a warning label on the Umbrella that reads – DO NOT OPEN IN DOORS, BECAUSES IT CAUSES BAD LUCK. (I want to be in the court room on that day.)

 

Finding or Having a Horseshoe will bring you good luck. I believe it is highly unlikely anyone would find a horseshoe just lying around in the street nowadays. So, if you do find one, it probably will bring you good luck. Warning: make sure you never turn it upside down, because all the luck will run out!!!

 

At the end of every Rainbow is a Pot of Gold. I have done extensive field research on this one, and my findings prove it is 100% false, dammit!

 

The Wedding Veil Protects the Bride from the Evil Eye. I did not know this one until I met my ‘Greek’ wife. Her people are from the old country, and the ‘evil eye’ is big time juju with them. When I saw her father spit on my newborn son; supposedly meant to ward off evil, she had to stop me from punching him in the face!

 

A Sailor Wearing an Earring Cannot Drown. Well, if the earring was the size of a life-preserver then I might believe this one. Interesting fact though, the reason why old-time sailors wore a gold earring was to pay for their coffin and other funeral expenses, those without one; well, they probably just got tossed into the sea.

 

That’s all for now, folks. Be careful out there today, Friday the 13^th can be particularly dangerous if you’re not wearing a garlic necklace. I suggest we all stay indoors and hide under the covers.

 

-jk-  

Meaningful Intent

Books are awake dreams that take us to far-away places.

Words and their narratives are the extensions of a writer’s vision, destined to be experienced by an eager audience. Embrace the wonder of the words you read, welcome the mysteries they provide, and delight in endless tales of the unexpected.

      Be a gentle reader.

The pages of a book are the pavement your imagination walks upon; turn them with care so others may follow in your path.

Bewilderment surrounds each chapter read, and swelling enthusiasm ignites spirited anticipation of hopeful outcomes. Plots twist. Hero’s rise. Villain's fall. And love is lost and found.

If at story's end brings a tender tear or despair of the final outcome, rejoice and be content. Conclusion of the last word read should neither be happy nor sad, a book blissfully consents you read another and another.

Only when stars cease to shine and inflamed inspiration dims will books be silenced. Until such time, the written word will forever have meaningful intent.

-jk-

On the journey taken, sometimes a memory is not enough, therefore a souvenir is a must – perhaps a book, written for all of us. 

Forever keep your books safe from harm. 

Previously Published

1/8/15 11:58 AM