Wild, Wild Spider Web of Books

“Hey you! Are you a writer?”

 

“Yes, yes I am.”

 

“What type of books do you write . . . Adult, Adventure, Alternate History, Chapter Books, Chick Lit, Children, Comedy, Contemporary, Cookbooks, Cozy mystery, Crime, Cyberpunk, Detective, Diverse, Dystopian, Erotic Romance, Erotica, Fairy Tale, Family, Fantasy, Food, Friendship, Geeky, Ghost, Gothic, Graphic Novels, Heist, High Concept, High Stakes, Historical, Horror, Illustrator, Inspirational, Legal, LGBT, Literary, Magic, Magical Realism, Memoir, Military, Mystery, Myth, Noir, Nonfiction, Paranormal, Picture books, Regency, Retelling, Revolution, Romance, Romantic Comedy, Romantic Suspense, Sci-fi, Southern, Space Opera, Speculative Fiction, Sport, Steampunk, STEM, Superhero, Survival, Suspense, Thriller, Time Travel, True Crime, Upmarket, Urban, Urban Fantasy, Vampire, War, Western, Witch, Women, Women's fiction, YA, or bat-shit crazy stuff?  

 

Intimidating and Frightening, eh?  And people critique writers 

who use to many adverbs and adjectives.

 

                                                   Albert, that's bat-shit crazy

Simply saying you write horror is not enough anymore. You must say your book is horror with strong female characters, some mystery, fantasy, magic, and friendship. Oh, and a lot of romance with vampires.

Those appendages, attachments, accessories, and extras have to be included, because agents ask for specifics. 

I am patiently waiting for an agent to ask for strong female characters/ action adventure/ coming of age/ magic/ diverse/ mystery/ fantastical and philosophical fiction set in a fantasy world. And when they do, I’ll be ready!

 

I applaud the librarians who can categorize books in today’s world of crazy compartmentalizing and any librarian who can find a Romance/ comedy/ diverse/ vampire/ time travel book when asked is amazing. You got to bring your ‘A’ at all times as a librarian nowadays.

I blame fast food joints, because they started it by saying you can have a burger any way you want it. Pickles no onions. Tomatoes no lettuce. Tomatoes, pickles, no ketchup.  Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

 

The world is moving to fast for me. I am a dinosaur waiting for the asteroid.

 

“Burger, fries, and a medium coke, please.”

“How do you want your burger, sir?”

“Cooked.”    

 

Librarians are the gate keepers of knowledge, treat them with respect.

 

j/k

Obscurity to Distinction

 

Inspirational Perspective 

 

I am – a single grain of sand

I am – a star in the everlasting night sky

I am – a large rock on a mountain

I am – just one small seed among millions

I am – one heart inside one human

I am – the blank space on a huge wall

I am – one blank page

I am – one leaf on a tree

I am – a momentary emotion

 

Humble Solitude 

                               

I can be – a glass goblet for a king

I can be – the warmth for a planet

I can be – the corner stone of a marvelous palace

I can be – the tallest tree in the forest

I can be – filled with love and sorrow

I can be – the canvas for a grand painting

I can be – the beginning or the end of a great adventure

I can be – the vessel on which dreams travel upon

I can be – the spark that inspires greatness

 

I am an ordinary shadow by day, a banished soul by night

I am triviality, constantly searching for significance

I am the seeker of truth, eternally lost in a sea of lies

I am a servant of time, anticipating my inevitable judgement.

 

 

I am forever me, and I can only ever be myself

 

 

-JK-

 

Query Letter Nightmare

 

What are you really doing when you write a Query Letter?

 

A: peddling your soul to literary deities?

 

Before writing my first query letter, 15 years ago, and having never written one, I didn’t do any research, I didn’t ask anyone for assistance or advice, I merely thought about it for a moment and decided the best course of action was to be honest.

 

Yes, I was stupid, but I learned something unexpected about myself - what was I willing to give up.

 

My query letter: 

 

Please, Miss Book God, it would be awesome if you would take some time out of your busy day to consider my manuscript for publication.

 

It is a fantasy story set in a fantasy world created by me. The story has lots of really, cool characters that will amaze you. My writing style transcends the written word on a whole new level, and my wife thinks the story is quite good. Well, truthfully, she thought it was a bit strange. My manuscript is readable, and mostly free of errors. Also, I’m willing to change my name if it will help.

 

Please contact me as soon as possible, because I sent query letters to a bunch of other people, and I’ll be accepting the first offer I get. I look forward to hearing from you.

 

Yours truly, Ernest J. R. R. Hemming Ron Away.

 

And yes, I really did send this query letter, but it was after I received 50+ rejections. I was a bit frustrated and needed to vent.

 

The most popular rejection response . . .

 

“I don't feel your manuscript is right for me at this time.”

 

Just typing those words makes me want to . . . um, do bad things.

 

Waiting, waiting, waiting.

A rejection letter is a painful experience. Moments after reading the rejection you probably want to punch the screen on your laptop. (Laptops are expensive. Do not punch the screen, punch yourself or a wall.

 

Honestly, the part I hated the most about the entire process of sending out a query letter, was waiting, obviously, and the power publishing agents had over me. My writing career was in their hands, and I was begging for their acceptance. I ain’t never begged anyone for anything.

 

But that’s the process. So, I found an alternative – self-publishing.

 

Should I have given up? Don’t know, don’t care. My goal/ my freedom was and always will be – write what I want to write and write my way. And if that meant only a few people would ever read the stories I wrote, so be it.

 

My advice to every new writer, before you send out your first query letter is, talk a walk and think what you are willing to give up. And then, decide what is the right path for you.

 

I truly respect the people who got through the golden door to fame and fortune. I spent many late nights reading their books and for that I am grateful. They inspired me to write my own.

 

I will leave you with some actual rejections, as I am certain they are familiar to many.

 

Thank you for your submission. Please be assured that I have carefully considered your project. Unfortunately, I don't feel the manuscript is right for me at this time.

 

Because we receive more than two hundred submissions per week, it is necessary to be extremely selective on a very subjective basis. However, I wish you the very best with your writing career. Good luck!

 

This is not for me, but thank you for the look.

 

Thank you so much for your query. We'd like to apologize for the impersonal nature of this standard rejection letter. On average, we receive nearly 500 email query letters a week and despite that, we do read each and every query letter carefully. Unfortunately, this project is not right for us. Because this business is so subjective and opinions vary widely, we recommend that you pursue other agents. After all, it just takes one "yes" to find the right match.

 

 

Just one, yes?!  LOL!!!!

 

 

-jk-

Using friends as Beta Readers

 

Beware of the written word. 

Celebrating the 10th anniversary of my 1^st book signing and 13 books sold worldwide; a look back on how my All American Success Story started.

 

 

Writers appreciate feedback on their work, no matter whether it's good or bad. Obviously good is better than bad, but constructive criticism can be helpful before publishing.

Asking a friend to read your work and keep an open mind can be risky.

 

I solicited a few friends to read my ‘work-in-progress’ and get their feed-back. Their responses were . . . a, brutally honest.

After reading their responses, I don’t think they’ll be my friends anymore.

 

Bob: Dude I’m glad you sent me a free copy of your book, because if I would have paid for this crap, I’d be in jail for murder right now.

James: Thank you for your honesty.

Tom: Another wannabe writer with no skills, exactly what the world needs more of.

James: I appreciate you taking the time to read it, thank you.

 

Alice: Your book is awesome, because reading it at night solved my insomnia problem.

James: That’s good to hear. At least it was good for something.

 

Irene: You kill a lot of women in your book! Were you trying to make a statement?

James: No, it’s just how I wanted the story to unfold.

 

Sam: I was very lost so, I stopped reading it and gave the book to my dog to play with.

James: Glad to hear your dog liked it.

 

Sue: I gave it to my neighbor to read, because I didn’t understand any of it. Please don’t write another book.

James: Sorry you didn’t like it.

 

Judy: You do know what an editor is, right?

James: Yes, but I couldn’t afford one.

 

Jack: Is there a way I can get my money back? I want a refund. You owe me $20.

James: I gave you the book! You didn’t pay anything.

Jack: So, I still feel that you owe me something for reading it!

Mary: Anyone that buys and reads your book deserves an award.

James: Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.

 

Janet: Who told you the book was good? And were they from this planet?

James: My wife like it.

 

John: Because we’re friends, I am going to be completely honest. It was a very good book.  NOT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

James: Thanks John, with friends like you, who needs enemies.

 

Nancy: What was with all the dumb character names? Bob, Bill, Tom, Mary, or Pam sure would have made it a lot easier to understand.

James: I was trying to be unique.

 

Nancy: My husband said there is an opening where he works. He could put in a good word for you if you like.

James: Thanks, but I’m going to continue writing books.

 

Walt: I was out of toilet paper, but your free book came in real handy this morning, thanks dude!

James: *Sigh*

 

There you have it, the readers have spoken, my book will take the literary world by storm. I can’t wait to get started on my next book.

-jk-

Magic Leaves

 

Nickel Novel

Title: Little, Clay Crock

A small, clay Crock is insignificant when empty, but if unique items are placed inside on the darkest night, they become magical.

Magnus Bolger, a hermit, and novice gardener, enjoyed watching his plants grow, and it was for that very reason why he wanted a tree, . . . a lemon tree.

Magnus removed one seed from the lemon he bought that day and planted it in a small pot. He anxiously checked the pot every morning, and after two weeks his patience was rewarded. The seed had finally started to grow. Two days later, it stood a few inches tall, but there was an oddity; something he had never seen before. It had three leaves instead of two. All his plants always started with two leaves, but never three.

Along with being a novice gardener, he was also a curious dabbler of the unnatural world and suspected the three leaves might be magical.

 

He nurtured the three-leaf lemon plant with great care, though expectedly, as it grew, the three leaves started to wither, and were being replaced with new leaves. He decided when the leaves fell, he would put them in a special place.

 

“But where, but where, but where, shall I put them,” Magnus repeated fretfully. “Three magical leaves must be kept in a proper vessel!”  

 

He meticulously watched and waited, and on the darkest night, the leaves naturally fell. Magnus gathered them up and carefully placed them in a small, clay crock and set it on the night-stand next to his bed.

 

Over the years, the lemon tree grew tall and strong and provided Magnus with a large bounty of lemons. But on one warm summer’s night, while Magnus rested beneath the lemon tree, as he often did, he heard a faint whisper floating in the air.

 

“Three leaves, three wishes, three leaves, three wishes, three leaves, three wishes.”

 

At first, he was frightened, a bit baffled, and positively, perplexed. But then he remembered what he had forgotten . . . the three leaves in the crock!

 

Suddenly, there was another whisper.

 

“On the darkest night, let fly the leaves on a southerly breeze, and three wishes will be granted to thee.”

 

Overwhelmed with excitement, Magnus hurried inside and retrieved the little, clay crock. He raced back outside, carefully removed the lid, and ever so gently poured into the palm of his hand the brittle, tiny leaves.   

 

Magnus did not have to think long on what his three wishes would be.

 

Standing next to the lemon tree, he waited anxiously for a breeze. A moment later, he felt a soft, warm breeze upon his brow. He immediately released the leaves and spoke his first wish.

 

“I wish I can forever watch my plants and the lemon tree grow.”

 

However, his eagerness to speak the wish caused him to forget the whisper he had heard.

 

The breeze was from the west, and it was not the darkest night.

Instantly, Magnus became the lemon tree. But despite his mistake, his wish was, . . . to a certain extent, granted.

Magnus, now a lemon tree, ultimately grew old and died, but the lemons from the tree had seeds and many new trees emerged. A so, a small part of him forever existed in each new lemon tree, thus allowing him to perpetually watch them grow, which was the intent of his wish.

 

 

A hasty wish will yield the objective, but an imprecise outcome may befall upon thee.

j/k