A Resume is a Frightening Truth

I found this resume I wrote in 2012, and it definitely needed to be updated. 

(2023 Version) 

Life is never boring if you have an imagination.

 

I was browsing the Internet, and I noticed an advertisement about how to improve your Résumé. It occurred to me that I have never written a Résumé. Surprisingly, none of the jobs I have applied for ever asked me for one. I just showed up and they hired me on the spot. I know it sounds strange, but it’s true.

Therefore, I decided to write my first Résumé! Unfortunately, I’m not quite sure what goes into one, and I’m too lazy to research the particulars. So, I’ll just jot down what I think is important and/or required.

 

Name: James Lee Charles Kafka

Marital Status: Currently married for 40+ years, to the same woman, but subject to change at any moment.

Children: 4, and maybe a few more.

Race: I race to the bathroom 16 times a day, and at least 4 times at night.   

DOB: The 20^th century

Current Occupation: Residential Lawn & Garden Superintendent, Housing Maintenance Supervisor, Sustenance Wrangler, Finance Clerk, Gutter Cleaning, Domestic Clothing Purifier, Part time Dishware and Utensil Sterilizer, Fixer of Broken Things, and for the past 15 years, the Newsletter Editor for the Polish American War Veterans Club.    

 

Education: Kindergarten & Elementary School Graduate. I completed a 4 year, full-ride scholarship to High School. (Thanks mom and dad) My GPA was better than 58 other students out of 863, but I still received a diploma. I was recruited by the United States Air Force and I attended their 8 week physical and mental training course. I passed.  

 

Previous Employment: Paperboy – 2 years. Car Sander Apprentice – 3 months. Ice Chipper at the East St. Louis Railroad Stock Yard – one 8hr shift. United States Air Force – 12 years. Radio Disc Jockey – 1 year. High School baseball umpire – 12 years. Football Coach – 16 years. Professional Golf Instructor – 2 years. Golf Course manager and maintenance supervisor – 1 year. Grocery Store Stock Clerk – 8 days. Automotive parts delivery driver – 6 months. High School shop teacher (small engines) – 1 year. High School job placement coach for special needs children over the age of 16 – 1 year. Janitor – 6 months. Child Development Coordinator – 43 years and counting. (We have 4 children and 6 grandchildren, you never stop being a parent and you can’t get fired from the job either, no matter how hard you try.)

 

Higher Education: 60 day Modern Male-Female Behavioral Science class. (Dated my future wife) I passed. Male Commitment 101 (Got married). Human Creation 101, 201, 301, and 401 – graduated Summa Cum Laude, whatever that means. 

Human Behavioral Educator: Bathroom Training for Male Children Supervisor 101, 201, and 301. I failed the 401 class, because the female child didn’t respond to my male training techniques. 

Advanced Marriage Protocol Degree: PHD, with 40+ years of practical experience.

Undocumented Education and Experience: Innovative Negotiating Advocate 401. (I defended my children in the principal’s office at least 150 times.)

 

Hobbies: Coffee drinking, writing novels that no one wants to read, reading classic novels, gambling, day-dreaming, TV watching, sleeping, peeing, and laughing at the neighbor when she picks up her dog’s crap, D&D, and I occasional write nickel novels.

 

Domestic Experience: Chauffer - Halloween make-up artist - Santa Claus impersonator - Tooth Fairy assistant - TV remote control operator - Spider, Mouse, and Cockroach exterminator – EMT practitioner of minor wounds – Finder of lost socks - and stay-at-home-dad. (My wife served for 30 years in the Air Force and 15 years Civil Service, so, I volunteered for the stay at home job.)

 

References: The 6pm Casino Bartender, my

neighbor Roger (maybe), and my wife. I’d list my 4 children and

my 4 sisters, but they’d tell the truth about me. So, please don’t

call any of them!

 

Contact Information: I’m normally at home, but never ever call before 10am. If you can’t reach me, call any Casino within a 50-mile radius.

 

Salary Expectations and Amenities: A minimum of $250,000 dollars a year, company car, personal bathroom, private office with at least 2 secretaries, full medical and dental coverage, and 13 weeks vacation time.

 

Based on my previous employment record and being mysteriously hired on the spot without a resume or previous employment experience; just let me know when I should start work. 

 

“Whatcha think, jimmy? Would you hire me?”

“Nope! You’re over qualified for just about every job out there.”

“I agree. Is it time for a nap?”

“Absolutely!”

 

Note: My dream job: fantasy adventure novelist. However, publishing agents rarely, if ever, accept an unknown writer's manuscript. So, I hired myself, I have to pay myself, set my own hours, and I have to pay someone to publish my manuscripts. I also have to do my own marketing, or I can pay someone to do it for me. This job sucks! If I don’t get fired soon, I’m gonna quit!

 

I am stupefied as to why publishing agents haven’t called me. Perhaps, I am finally doing something that no one wants me to do and oddly, it just so happens to be the one thing I've always wanted to do.

I fully expect the asteroid to hit when I'm on the toilet.

It truly is a strange world, and it is for amusement only!

 

-jk-