Recent Ice Age Drama

Near Stag Clan Territory:

On a clear, frigid afternoon at the Neanderthal Creek by Crosgarc Estates in the Northern Waste Lands, Zaab Stag was fishing with his new, z-3200 fishing pole alongside his brother Agga, when a very lucky thing happened; Zaab hooked a small, Stumptooth Gambusia fish.

Stumptooth Gambusia is a vanishing species, and Zaab Stag, who is a vanishing species researcher at the University of Cro-Magnon State College, has been trying to tag and record the Neanderthal Creek, Stumptooth Gambusia fish, since they were listed as “threatened” under The End is Near Act. 

The law effectively makes it illegal to catch and eat the endangered fish.

The law is also the catalyst for the Stag Clan's attempt to halt a huge and controversial ceremonial burial site project at Crosgarc Estates proposed by the Cave Bear Clan.

The Stumptooth Gambusia fish relies on the running glacier waters feeding into Neanderthal Creek to eat, nest and live.

 

Zaab weighed and tagged the fish before gently placing it back in the creek. 

“They’re really a repulsive looking fish,” said Agga.

“True, but the species is important to the local ecology; they eat invasive Akstafa Spring Roaches and clean the water by consuming Skibo Pelican scum,” replied Zaab.

 

Not a Stumptooth Gambusia, but it is ugly.

Professors and ecological groups of the Stag Clan warn that the ceremonial burial site would be devastating for the fish. Also, other Clan’s say the burial project could have a far-reaching economic impact beyond Crosgarc Estates, frightening the vacation industry and other commerce downstream.

 

“We will do whatever it takes to ensure that the Stumptooth Gambusia fish receives the protections it is authorized under The End is Near Act,” said Gnurk Nenge, a senior attorney for the Stag Clan and Biological Multiplicity Group, a profit-making federation working to protect imperiled species.

 

“This is a troubling situation,” said Dhar the Brave, attorney for the Cave Bear Clan. “The Cave Bear Clan is wanting to build a ceremonial burial site for all to enjoy, and they understand the Stumptooth Gambusia fish would be a tragic loss. But what the heck, it's just a fish; there are plenty more in the creek.”

 

The Shamans Court of Amalgamated Cave-People Human Rights said they’ll rule on the case with “reasonable and prudent” objectivity, and could adopt a plan to minimize the impact on the fish in the project area. The possibilities may include a new habitat relocation proposal or a huge fish fry festival in the spring.

 

The Shamans Court will issue their decision after the big Wholly Mammoth hunt later in the year.

j/k

 

 

More Drama in the Ice Age

 

Legal Chicanery for the Clans

 

The untimely death of the well-known, wealthy playboy caveman, Gugal, (31) was not a shock to those who knew him. The descendants of Gugal will be seeking a legal decision by the high court of Shamans for his possessions. Gugal left behind seven ex-wives, sixteen children, twenty-two step-children and his current wife, Babs, a popular cavegirl stripper at the ‘One ‘n’ Done’ Grog Hall.

Gugal’s extraordinary cave-château in T-Rex Valley is truly magnificent and has been the pinnacle of innovative multiplicity, hosting a cornucopia of ritualistic shindigs, and it also provided shelter for his huge clan over the past 9 years.

The Gugal estate has an abundance of valuable assets: 2 obsidian tipped spears, 3 stone axes, 53 furs from numerous different animals, and fire pit. Gugal will be buried outside the cave next to his parents, his seventeen siblings, and five children. Most recently — his son, Gugal Jr., died last year; he was 16.

 

Babs Wants Justice!!

Babs has stated openly her intentions to claim her husband’s estate in court when the Shamans assemble. Babs was quoted in the Brontosaurus Gazette, “The idea of Gugal’s cave belonging to any other family member is unthinkable. And, just last week, I was forced to defend a menacing attempt by one of his ex-wives to purloin several furs.”

In related news, the Stag Clan has filed a motion to also claim Gugal’s cave, stating that they once owned the cave, and only temporarily rented the cave to Gugal when the Stag Clan went on their annual hunting trip 9 years ago. According to the Stag Clan leader, Dalug, he said Gugal’s clan refused to move out when they returned, and they couldn't force Gugal's to leave, because the Stag Clan lost to many warriors during the hunting trip.  

The Shamans Court of Amalgamated Cave-People Human Rights will assemble on the day after the Summer Solstice Social to rule on the disposition of the estate.

Breaking News: A Large Cave Bear has been seen in the area.

-jk-

Ice Age Drama

Winds of Change in the Ice Age

 

An international court of Shamans ruled that the Arctic High Mammoth warrior’s failure to adequately tackle the Dinosaur crisis is in violation of Amalgamated Cave-People human rights. The landmark Dinosaur judgment could have a ripple effect across the globe.

Shamans taking a selfie after their ruling

 

The Shamans Court of Amalgamated Cave-People Human Rights, in a cave somewhere near the Dead Summit Mountains, delivered its ruling against the Arctic High Mammoth warriors, in a case brought by more than 2,000 Flowers of Pure Snow women, the majority of whom are members of the Bitter as a Berry Tribe. They argued that Dinosaur’s undermined their health and quality of life, and put them at risk of dying. 

 

The Shamans ruled that the Arctic High Mammoth warriors had violated some of the women’s human rights due to “critical gaps” in its routine hunting expeditions to reduce the Dinosaur population, as well as a failure to train new warriors.     

 

This amounted to a breach of the women’s rights to effective protection from the “the serious adverse effects of human-eating-dinosaurs on their lives, health, well-being and quality of life,” the Shamans said in a statement.

 

It marks the first time the Shamans have ruled on Dinosaur litigation. Furthermore, there is no right of appeal and the judgment is legally binding.

 

The Arctic High Mammoth warriors will now have to give the women first dibs on the prime cuts of meat for 1 year.

 

Sheena, from the Flowers of Pure Snow women lawyers’ organization, Loves Shiny Things, said, "This result from the Shaman high court sends a clear message: warriors must take real action to keep women safe while they pick berries and fetch water.”

 

“Today’s rulings against the Arctic High Mammoth warriors sets a historic precedent that applies to all warrior hunter tribes,” Wolfman Jonger, a lawyer at Thunder That Rolls Over Clouds Network, which supported the case, said in a statement. “It means that all hunters must urgently revise their expeditions so that they are science-based and guarantees safety for the women. This is a massive win for all berry pickers.” 

In other news, a group of dinosaurs have hired a lawyer.

-jk-

4/9/24 2:47 PM