Saturday, May 20, 2017

Cancelled


The number of people who have had to settle for something less than what they had hoped for in life is probably greater than the number of people who have achieved exactly what they wanted. I imagine many get close, but because of the numerous unforeseen bumps in the road, most fall short of their dream.

When I was young, I dreamed of being a Pirate Captain, sailing the Caribbean waters on a powerful frigate. Once I realized that there were no longer employment opportunities for Pirate Captains, I set my sights on another occupation; King of Tahiti. I even sent them a resume, but apparently, I wasn’t qualified for the position. They said I needed to be of Tahitian descent.

As the years rolled by, I applied for several other lofty occupations: Dinosaur Breeder, Movie Star, Genie in a Lamp, Emperor of Hawaii, Professional Baseball Player, School Crossing Guard, and Taste Testing Specialist at a Rum Factory. Evidently, I wasn’t the right fit for any of those positions – at least that's what all the rejection letters stated as the reason for not hiring me. I be thinking the Rum factory lied to me, because I do know a lot about Rum!




I did, however, get hired on as a fantasy fiction writer, only because I was the one doing the hiring. I had always wanted to write fantastical tales at some point in my life, and so I decided give it a try. It’s an easy job. I wake up every morning, write weird things till I get bored or tired, and then, I tell myself to quit for the day. I even have the option of not writing anything at all. The hours are great and the boss is extremely nice. Unfortunately, the salary sucks. In fact, I have to pay someone to edit and print what I write. The only way I make any money is if someone buys the books, and apparently not many have, which is understandable. I am a nobody in a vast ocean of writers.

To be a successful writer, a few important elements are required: Being already famous is helpful, having someone of note recognize your work doesn’t hurt, and a following of devoted readers is also important, but above all, a writer must write an enjoyable book to read, with proper editing of course.

I embarked on this idealistic writing dream in 2010. In June of 2013, I fired up the blog site for the purpose of promoting my books and the books of other indie authors. From the time I was hired, I wrote five books and published three of them. The two unpublished manuscripts – I constantly stare at them. I can see no realistic justification for putting more money into a venture where the odds are horribly stacked against me.





"jimmy, the time has come to once again dream of being something else."

"What's up, Mr Kafka?"

"I have some bad news . . . I'm not renewing our contract for next year. I fired us."

"Huh?"

"Sorry pal. Our ratings are low, book sales are bad, and our sarcasm doesn't seem to be working."

"That sucks. 

 “jimmy, what do you think we should do next? I heard a rumor that the position of night security guard at the local Drug Lord’s warehouse just opened up." 

"Sounds kind of risky."

"Perhaps, I should send an updated copy of my resume to the Genie in a Lamp hiring manager.

“No, no, Mr. Kafka! I’ll not be a co-conspirator in any more of your wild schemes. This time you are on your own. Genie in a Lamp? Are you nuts?! I believe you need to distance yourself from that bottle of rum.”

“Very well then, but you’ll be sorry when I become rich and famous.”

“I doubt it. Now I can submit my resume to Scarlett Johansson. I'd love to be the voice in her head."

"You'd leave me for a dame?!"

"For a chance to be with Scarlett Johansson . . . yes I would."

"I guess I would too. We had a good four year run, eh jimmy?"

"Um, not really.

“You hungry, jimmy?”

“I could eat.”

“Tacos?”

“Sounds good to me, Mr. Kafka.”



I’ll never stop writing, but my enthusiasm for doing so is no longer what it once was. It began as a hobby and will remain as such, because I still enjoy concocting fantastical tales. 

Writing is easy, although, writing a readable and entertaining book is very, very hard. Being noticed is even harder. At least my vegetable garden hobby is successful – small amount of work for great tasting, edible rewards.



Spreading the Love to all those who dare to dream.


Have a Wonderful Life. 


Goodbye

-jk-

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Homecoming Humor


“Welcome back from rehab, jimmy! Feeling better?”

“Thank you, Mr. Kafka. It went well, but to be honest, I’m not sure why I had to go. I wasn’t the one with the problem. I don’t hear voices in my head; I’m the voice in your head.”

“True, but I certainly didn’t want to go to rehab, so I sent you. I missed you; the other voices in my head don’t have your conversational skills.”

“I wouldn’t know nothing about that, Mr. Kafka. I never speak to them, and they never speak to me.”

“They’re nice people; I can introduce you to them if you like?”

“No thanks, I have enough on my plate already, and I surely don’t want to be sent back to rehab. I’m just happy to be home where I belong.”

“I’m happy you're back too, jimmy. So, what did they have you do while you were there?”

“They made me write down what I was feeling, despite my efforts to explain that my feelings were your feelings. And they were awfully insistent about it, otherwise that wouldn’t release me. They said it would make me feel better about myself.”

“Makes sense to me. So, what did you write down, jimmy?”

“If you don’t mind, I’d rather we not talk about it, Mr. Kafka.”

“I understand. You hungry?”

“I sure am; the food in that place was horrible!”

“How about some fried chicken?”

“That sounds great, Mr. Kafka. Um, I have a question about me going to rehab."

"What's the problem?"

"Why didn't you send one of the other voices in your head?"

"Um, a, well, we took a vote and they unanimously picked you."

"I see. How come I didn't get to vote?"

"You're not old enough to vote."

"Well played Mr. Kafka."

"Can we go now?"

"Yeah, but your paying."

"No problem, jimmy."


Better to let it out than keep it inside your head


Have A Nice Day!


Be a Grape Jelly Sandwich this week or perhaps a Green Pig!


Spreading the Love to Armenia, France, Germany, Portugal, and India. 


-jk-


Saturday, October 24, 2015

Epic 3 Book Adventure


Looking for an entertaining fantasy set of books to read? Look no further than this exciting and wonderfully crafted Trilogy!  

Experience the magical fantasy adventure about a young boy and his amazing journey into an unknown world where mysterious women, bandits, and fantastical monsters challenge his resolve to find his way back home and what he truly desires most in life. It is an intriguing story that promises to keep you guessing and eagerly turning the pages to find out what happens next. 

What if you had the chance to learn one thing from the past that could change the future; what would you choose to know?

What if you were immortal, but the only way you could save the people you love was to sacrifice your immortality; what would you do?

What if you had a wish; what would you wish for?

Fate, free will, and monsters are hard enough to deal with, but added into the mix; sextuplet sisters with unique personalities and seductive persuasive skills, who relentlessly manipulate for their own fiendish intentions.



Vanguard Review: Great coming of age tale with a well developed magical land to explore. Each time I thought I knew where the story was headed, I was surprised by another twist or detour. I love the themes of growing up, the role of family and tradition, and adventure. There is even some romance along the way. Highly recommended for my fellow fantasy readers.

Warfolkan Review: Wajue continues his journey and it is surprise after surprise. Now grown and evolving into a leader, he is faced with loss and tough choices once again. This book is filled with both adventure and some lighthearted banter and fun. This book is full of diverse characters, friendships, romance, betrayal, bravery, and strength. Wajue continues to be the hero warrior searching for answers and truth. It was great to follow Wajue and he matures and finds his way.

Sagacity Review: After the cliff hanger ending in book 2, this third book in the series gets off to a fast start of continued danger and adventure. Who knew a talking owl could be such a beloved character? Again full of interesting characters, new romance, and mystery, this is a superb follow-up to Warfolkan. It kept me guessing until the end and left me satisfied. A sure thing for those that have been following Wajue's journey.



   

                                    

Friday, September 25, 2015

Broke Résumé


Yesterday, as I was browsing the Internet, I noticed an advertisement about how to improve your Résumé. Instantly, a thought occurred to me. I have never written a Résumé. None of the jobs I ever applied for required one. I just showed up and they hired me on the spot. I know it sounds strange, but it’s true, and my wife hates me for it. Although, there is one exception, but I’ll reveal that at the end.  

Today I shall attempt to write my first ever Résumé! Unfortunately, I’m not quite sure what goes into one, and I’m too lazy to research the particulars. Therefore, I’ll just jot down what I think is important and/or required.

Name: James L. C. Kafka
Marital Status: Married, but that status can change at any moment.
Children: 4
Race: I was pretty good at running the mile in High School. 
DOB:  Wednesday

Current Occupation: Residential Lawn & Garden Superintendent, Housing Maintenance Supervisor, Sustenance Wrangler and Cook, Finance Clerk, Domestic Clothing Purifier, Dishware and Utensil Sterilizer, and Volunteer Bartender at the Polish American War Veterans Club. 

It feels wrong being on this side of the bar!
  

Education: Kindergarten & Elementary School Graduate. I completed 4 years of High School. My GPA was better than 215 other students out of 825 and I received a diploma. I was highly recruited by the United States Air Force and Navy. I signed with the Air Force and attended their 8 week physical and mental training course. I passed.  

Previous Employment: Paperboy – 2 years. Automotive repair apprentice – 3 months. Ice Chipper at the East St. Louis Railroad Stock Yard – 2 days. United States Air Force – 12 years. Radio Disc Jockey – 1 year. High School baseball umpire – 12 years. Football Coach – 8 years. Professional Golf Instructor – 2 years. Golf Course manager and maintenance supervisor – 2 years. Grocery Store Stock Clerk – 8 days. Automotive parts delivery driver – 6 months. High School shop teacher (small engines) – 1 year. High School job placement coach for special needs children over the age of 16 – 2 years. Janitor – 1 year. Child Development Coordinator – 36 years and counting. (We have 4 children; you never stop being a parent and you can’t get fired from the job either, no matter how hard you try.)

Higher Education: 60 day Modern Male-Female Behavioral Science class. (Dated my future wife) I passed. Male Commitment 101 - (Got married). Human Creation 101, 201, 301, and 401 – graduated Sumo Wrestler Yell Loudly, whatever that means. Potty training children in one day 101, 201, and 301. I failed the 401 class, only because the female child didn’t respond to my male training techniques. Advanced Marriage Protocol Degree – PHD, with 36 years practical experience.

Undocumented Education and Experience: Innovative adult-child negotiating tactics 401. (I advocated for my children’s defense in the principal’s office at least 150 times.) Stay-at-home dad - 14 years.

Hobbies: Coffee drinking, reading, day-dreaming, watching football, sleeping, gambling, and laughing at the neighbor when he picks up his dog’s crap. Oh, and I occasional write stuff.

Domestic Experience: Chauffeur - Halloween make-up artist - Santa Claus impersonator - Tooth Fairy assistant - TV remote control operator - Spider, Mouse, and Cockroach exterminator – Medical practitioner for minor wounds – Finder of lost socks.

References: Joe the Bartender, Roger the neighbor, and my wife. I’d list my children, but I’m not sure if they’d tell you the truth. And please, don’t call my sisters; doubtful they'd say anything good about me.

Contact Information: Call the One-Eyed Pirate Tavern most days, but never after 5 pm.

Salary Expectations and Amenities: A minimum of $80,000 a year, company car, personal bathroom, private office with a secretary, full medical and dental coverage, and 375 vacation days a year.


“Whatcha think, jimmy? Would you hire me?”

“Nope! You’re over qualified for just about every job out there.”

“I agree. Wanna eat lunch on the patio? It’s a beautiful day.”

“Absolutely!”


Note: My dream job – I have always wanted to write fantasy adventure novels. However, no one ever hires an unknown person off the street to write novels. So, I hired myself. I now have to pay myself, set my own hours, and I have to pay someone to publish my manuscripts. I also have to do my own marketing or I can pay someone to do that for me too. This job sucks! If I don’t get fired soon, I’m gonna quit!

Based on my previous employment record and being magically hired on the spot, I am stupefied as to why publishers – publishing agents haven't called or contacted me yet. Maybe if I sent them this résumé they'd hire me.  

It truly is a strange world and it is for amusement only!


-jk-