Sunday, March 26, 2017

High School Dog Years

Back in 1971, I was a freshman in high school. One day, while sitting in study hall trying to figure out how I was going to survive the next 4 years and shortly after I heard about dog years for the first time, I cunningly devised a mathematical formula for my high school years. It was an amazing feat, considering how horrible I was at math. I called it High School Dog Years.

Before the phrase, ‘Thinking Outside the Box,’ ever became popular, I was already thinking outside the box – way, way outside the box. 

High School is 4 years, or 48 months, or approximately 365 days x 4. An eternity for a teenager. I gauged 1 month in high school to be equal to 1.5 years or 547.5 days, which at the time seemed about right. Life as a freshman whipped by awfully fast. After 12 months, a freshman would be a confused 18-year-old; after 24 months, a sophomore would be a convoluted 36-year-old; after 36 months, a junior would be a where did the time go 54-year-old, and a graduating senior would be a venerable 72 years young; the approximate age the average person would live according to what one of my teachers told me.

Ingenious eh?

A short time later, my constantly-thinking juvenile mind soon realized there might be a strategic and tactical purpose for this mathematical formula – it could serve as a defensive advantage with girls!!!  

How you ask?

Well, I’ll tell you how.

If I could convince a girl who I was dating for 4 months that in fact we were really dating for 6 years in high school dog years, it might work to counter her reluctance to go beyond just kissing. I heard, “We haven’t been dating long enough,” on many occasions, and thus I needed something to refute such a preposterous statement. Time is of the essence in high school and any wasted time while you are young becomes a life time of regret. My formula could speed up the process.

Unfortunately, despite how clever my formula appeared on paper, it never really worked out as well as I had hoped. I never considered or calculated into the equation how smart girls are and how determined they are to not give up the swag until they decide the time is right.

My sophomore girlfriend didn’t buy it. My 4 junior girlfriends didn’t buy it. But, at the ripe old age of 67 high school dog years, my sexy cheerleader girlfriend with her maple-syrup, brown eyes did think my mathematical formula was cute. I called her my Ferrari. Every old guy needs a sports car. Sadly, my Ferrari was way more than I could handle at my advanced age.

Yes, I was mischievous, conniving, scheming, devious, and creative when I was in high school, but only because of the 144 years I did in a catholic school. I was determined to do whatever it took to get to second base in high school. 

I did slide head first into second base once, and I got slapped hard for my effort. A slap I’ll never forget.

Regret is for those who never dared to realize their dreams. 

Spreading the love to every high school student around the world, ages 14-18; take it slow because time goes by fast.



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