Friday, September 25, 2015

Broke Résumé


Yesterday, as I was browsing the Internet, I noticed an advertisement about how to improve your Résumé. Instantly, a thought occurred to me. I have never written a Résumé. None of the jobs I ever applied for required one. I just showed up and they hired me on the spot. I know it sounds strange, but it’s true, and my wife hates me for it. Although, there is one exception, but I’ll reveal that at the end.  

Today I shall attempt to write my first ever Résumé! Unfortunately, I’m not quite sure what goes into one, and I’m too lazy to research the particulars. Therefore, I’ll just jot down what I think is important and/or required.

Name: James L. C. Kafka
Marital Status: Married, but that status can change at any moment.
Children: 4
Race: I was pretty good at running the mile in High School. 
DOB:  Wednesday

Current Occupation: Residential Lawn & Garden Superintendent, Housing Maintenance Supervisor, Sustenance Wrangler and Cook, Finance Clerk, Domestic Clothing Purifier, Dishware and Utensil Sterilizer, and Volunteer Bartender at the Polish American War Veterans Club. 

It feels wrong being on this side of the bar!
  

Education: Kindergarten & Elementary School Graduate. I completed 4 years of High School. My GPA was better than 215 other students out of 825 and I received a diploma. I was highly recruited by the United States Air Force and Navy. I signed with the Air Force and attended their 8 week physical and mental training course. I passed.  

Previous Employment: Paperboy – 2 years. Automotive repair apprentice – 3 months. Ice Chipper at the East St. Louis Railroad Stock Yard – 2 days. United States Air Force – 12 years. Radio Disc Jockey – 1 year. High School baseball umpire – 12 years. Football Coach – 8 years. Professional Golf Instructor – 2 years. Golf Course manager and maintenance supervisor – 2 years. Grocery Store Stock Clerk – 8 days. Automotive parts delivery driver – 6 months. High School shop teacher (small engines) – 1 year. High School job placement coach for special needs children over the age of 16 – 2 years. Janitor – 1 year. Child Development Coordinator – 36 years and counting. (We have 4 children; you never stop being a parent and you can’t get fired from the job either, no matter how hard you try.)

Higher Education: 60 day Modern Male-Female Behavioral Science class. (Dated my future wife) I passed. Male Commitment 101 - (Got married). Human Creation 101, 201, 301, and 401 – graduated Sumo Wrestler Yell Loudly, whatever that means. Potty training children in one day 101, 201, and 301. I failed the 401 class, only because the female child didn’t respond to my male training techniques. Advanced Marriage Protocol Degree – PHD, with 36 years practical experience.

Undocumented Education and Experience: Innovative adult-child negotiating tactics 401. (I advocated for my children’s defense in the principal’s office at least 150 times.) Stay-at-home dad - 14 years.

Hobbies: Coffee drinking, reading, day-dreaming, watching football, sleeping, gambling, and laughing at the neighbor when he picks up his dog’s crap. Oh, and I occasional write stuff.

Domestic Experience: Chauffeur - Halloween make-up artist - Santa Claus impersonator - Tooth Fairy assistant - TV remote control operator - Spider, Mouse, and Cockroach exterminator – Medical practitioner for minor wounds – Finder of lost socks.

References: Joe the Bartender, Roger the neighbor, and my wife. I’d list my children, but I’m not sure if they’d tell you the truth. And please, don’t call my sisters; doubtful they'd say anything good about me.

Contact Information: Call the One-Eyed Pirate Tavern most days, but never after 5 pm.

Salary Expectations and Amenities: A minimum of $80,000 a year, company car, personal bathroom, private office with a secretary, full medical and dental coverage, and 375 vacation days a year.


“Whatcha think, jimmy? Would you hire me?”

“Nope! You’re over qualified for just about every job out there.”

“I agree. Wanna eat lunch on the patio? It’s a beautiful day.”

“Absolutely!”


Note: My dream job – I have always wanted to write fantasy adventure novels. However, no one ever hires an unknown person off the street to write novels. So, I hired myself. I now have to pay myself, set my own hours, and I have to pay someone to publish my manuscripts. I also have to do my own marketing or I can pay someone to do that for me too. This job sucks! If I don’t get fired soon, I’m gonna quit!

Based on my previous employment record and being magically hired on the spot, I am stupefied as to why publishers – publishing agents haven't called or contacted me yet. Maybe if I sent them this résumé they'd hire me.  

It truly is a strange world and it is for amusement only!


-jk-

2 comments:

  1. Most entertaining resume I've ever read. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sad, but 99.9% of it's true. Thank you for stopping by.

    ReplyDelete